I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You did what with his pubic hair?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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