I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
