guys are only as good as the porn they watch
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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