She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
