wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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