Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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