I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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