Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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