seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
