Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
