it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
So here I am, sexting at work.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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