why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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