I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
