so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
