The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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