u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
