Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
