she woke up with a sticky ear
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
