i permit you to call me
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
