Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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