the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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