there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
