I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
