I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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