so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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