If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
