The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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