I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
