I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
