I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
