Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
