using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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