The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
