porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
