We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
