First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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