I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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