I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
