We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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