I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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