I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
