i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
