I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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