we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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