He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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