The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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