I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
