He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
