I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
