so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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